And still, I love you.

Day 1 of the many days to come

That was the longest and loneliest ride back home. I am not alone. I am with you, actually. But that ride took me to places I don't want to be. It flew me to the distant place where I can see you far from me. It brought me to the place where I can feel that you won't be discovering with me.

I asked you for this. I felt like we needed this. But I know that the moment you said yes to me, that is the same moment I said yes to having days without you beside me..feeling you, hearing you or just reading your name flash on my screen. Yep, you said yes, when I asked for a space.. A space which will draw us apart.. A space which will separate us from discovering each other. But I believe that it will also be the same space where I will find my place. It came to me.. just now.. that the moment I lost you, is the same moment I will find time to find me.

On that day, you send me home.. for the last time. I looked at you, while you're walking away, and slowly, I can feel myself tearing apart. I can feel every bit of my heart adjusting.. taking its time to get used to not having that spot where you used to be. I didn't know that it will be this painful. I didn't expect that I will be missing a lot. As I take my last glance at you, I had my deepest breathe.. thinking that it could help..

I had a hard time.. the hardest time closing that gate, which used to be the witness of every hello we used to have.. of every goodnight we used to say.. but now, it's become a witness of our goodbye. The kind of goodbye which we are note sure of.. the kind of goodbye which we didn't know when will be the next hello..

I'm glad I had you.
I'm glad I loved you.
And still, I love you.

Please know that I will be here, waiting.. Until we're both ready.
I know that no matter how far we wander, we will always find our way back together.

For the past 7 days..

I created this blog years ago, ngayon ko lang ulit nabuksan. This is the first time na magpopost ako dito, kasi I'm more active sa tumblr ko. Pero I think I need this one na talaga, kasi parang mas private yung posts ko dito, unlike sa tumblr na may mga followers ako. I prefer this one, kasi dito wala akong followers. It's just me, my thoughts and I.

So, kamusta na ba ako? Well, hindi ako okay for the past 7 days..

I'll be honest, every night, when I'm all alone in my room thinking, bigla na lang akong napapaiyak. I don't know why, pero I am in pain. Sa tingin ko, hindi na siguro kailangan pang tanungin kung bakit nasasaktan ang isang tao eh.. ang mahalaga e yung nararamdaman niya, kung paano mo papagaanin yung pakiramdam niya. For the past 7 days, ang dami kong regrets, ang dami kong heartaches, ang dami kong rants. Kung magbabasa ka ng tumblog ko, puro galit yung mababasa mo doon na recent posts.

Galit ako, kasi ayoko ng may nagagalit sa akin.. lalo na kapag alam kong wala naman akong kasalanan. Galit ako, kasi hinayaan ko may mawala sa aking importanteng bagay. Galit ako, because I have remained silent.. galit ako, dahil hindi ako yung kung ano ang inaasal ko ngayon. Yung hindi naglalabas ng sama ng loob, hindi nagsasalita. Galit ako, kasi natatakot akong ipakita sa mga taong alam ko naman na maiintindihan ako, kung paano ako magalit.. dahil baka mawala sila sa akin. Galit ako, kasi takot ako.. at hindi ako yun.

Kanina, nung nagsimba kami ni Joff at ni Sir Patron, naging magaan yung pakiramdam ko. Di gaya ng mga nakaraang araw na sa tuwing mag-iisa ako, bigla na lang akong maiiyak.. bigla na lang akong malulungkot. Kanina, naramdaman ko yung saya, kasi may nakausap ako, may nakasama akong tumawa, at bago ako matulog kagabi, naiiyak ko na lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman ko. Narealize ko na, hindi pala katapangan yung pagtawa sa problema, kaduwagan pala yun. Dahil paraan yun ng pagtakas sa problema.

Sabi nga ni Father kanina, paano mo masosolve ang isang bagay kung ngayon pa lang sumusuko ka na? Dapat lumaban ka, dahil lahat ng binibigay ni Lord sayo, alam niya na kaya mo. Naalala ko, unkabogable pala ang bansag ko sa sarili ko, bakit ba ako nagiging mahina? Okay lang umiyak, okay lang mahirapan, basta alam mo kung ano ang gagawin mo, alam mo kung paano mo iso-solve ang problema mo.

"No matter how dark the tunnel is, there will always be light at the end of it." - Father, Sts. Peter and Paul Church

For the past 7 days I've learned one thing.. ALWAYS KEEP YOUR FAITH. Dahil kahit anong mangyari, kahit anong unos ang dumating sa iyo, ito ang kayamanan mo.  Dahil kapag naniwala ka, mangyayari.. kapag ginusto mo at ikinilos mo ang dapat, may makukuha ka. Sabi nga kapag may tiyaga, may nilaga. Natutunan ko na kapag gusto ko ng isang bagay, dapat paghirapan ko ito, at dapat magtiwala ako na mangyayari, magkakaroon, at makukuha ko ito. Always trust His plans.. as simple as that. Go with the flow, but do not expect that it will be a smooth-sail, because life is a one big fight.

Thank you. Lord for keeping me in Your loving arms. Hindi mo ako pinabayaan, Lord. Thank you. Sa susunod na dalawin ako ng mga problema, alam ko na po ang dapat kong gawin.. magdasal, mag-isip, at kumilos. Thank you Lord, dahil lagi kang nandyan..